blasianxbri:

time-to-be-natural:

I just want to know how many of us there are!

I honestly don’t care about the figures on your bank account statement, or the amount of soles that have a Jordan emblem in your closet. I don’t care about the rose gold timepiece on your wrist or the MK emblem that graces the bezel. To be honest I don’t care about anything you have that money can buy. When I met you, when I grew to love you, when I let you into my heart…none of those things were existent nor contributing factors so if you think any of that matters to me the joke is on you. Since I’ve known you I am certain you can never look back on any time in your life in which you needed me and I wasn’t there. Even when I didn’t agree with your decisions, I supported you. When you were in the wrong, I still advocated for you. When distance became a means of separation, I traveled to bring us closer. When you were discouraged, I encouraged. When you were upset, I comforted. When you needed me I was ALWAYS there. I listened, I prayed, I helped, I advised, I invested my time, feelings, effort. I held back nothing when it came to you. Now I need you and you’re nowhere to be found. I think it’s unfair to me how physically and emotionally inaccessible to me you are. We talk and all you can bask on is how tough your Marine life is, and how miserable you are at your job. For once, I don’t want you to use your destination as an excuse for your absence. The physical by far is not as significant as the mental and emotional and yet when it comes to you I have none of the above. I have never been so loyal to a soul in my life. I have never sacrificed and been so dedicated to a soul in my life. I wrote you faithfully, I stayed close, and I assured you that my support is something you would never have to question…I’ve shown and proven that. However, when it comes to me it’s always an excuse or somehow the control is no longer in your hands. You’ve let me down one too many times and because of that my resentment for you is far greater than my love. I am a wounded woman. I’m not in search of a band-aid for temporary relief. I need a cure. Something that doesn’t erase my experience, but provides me with the solace that it is something I survived, I beat and will never experience again. I admired you. I loved the way you loved me. But somewhere that love has gotten lost in a world that only you know. I’m in love with you and I’m terrified because regret has taken over happiness. I feel betrayed, I feel used, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel resentful, I feel embarrassed and I feel like a fool. The what ifs looked beautiful when the open ended response was filled with favorable answers. Now the divine truth that I’ve lost my heart to someone who held it too loosely is setting in and I can’t help but be angry. I promised myself I wouldn’t walk down one-way roads again. Even though they don’t post the warning of a dead end, the dead end is anything but invisible. I’ve let my heart out on sheets and sheets of pages marked with blue lines, and my feelings linger there. These feelings have created stains that no solution can get rid of. I was ready to combat this world with you, in our own little army. I had semper fi engraved in my heart. Now goodbye seems much more appropriate. Love doesn’t live here anymore. It use to….

I spent the last few years lying to myself about what I want and what truly makes me happy. I’ve spent years and years involved with men who essentially took more than they ever gave. With every lie and every broken promise a footprint stained my heart, and evidently I became a hell of a doormat. I look back and wonder what have I ever done in my life that was honestly and truly for me? And the only thing I could think of was walking away from certain people and the bullshit they bring, and closing some doors that God opened but the devil stood behind. 2012 was definitely a trial in a test. I’ve bit my tongue about certain situations because I felt not doing so made me appear to be bitter. That 100-day fast I chose to embark on last March was something I chose to do solely for me. I was growing farther and farther from the woman God ordained me to be and closer and closer to the bitch the devil wanted to create of me. I buried both of my grandfathers and felt like shit because both times my heart broke in a way it never had before. I’m no new face to pain and nor is disappointment a stranger to my heart. I’ve walked my green-mile emotionally many times than most ever will. I created a monster out of a queen and let my selfish desires, wants and past scorns hinder me from flourishing to the best of my ability. I’ve let men come in and out of my life, take what they wanted and leave….and now I’m guilty of much of the same. But God helped me in creating a mess of my life…there was some foundation that needed to be gutted anyway. I’m being broken down so that someone better can be built. The Shamira I’ve displayed over the past few years might as well as been non-existent, because when all those people she was living for walked out of her life…so did she. I don’t have a revolutionary statement to say about 2012. This year I was truly at constant war with myself and the world around me. There were days when I hated who I was and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I dug deep in myself and put band-aids over wounds that needed attention. I PUT BAND-AIDS over wounds that NEEDED ATTENTION. I stopped my own wounds from healing, I simply covered them while the very thing that created them still happily lingered. My heart was not one of love and compassion, but one of confusion and fear. Two very dangerous feelings that feed off each other and eventually drained me. People all around me offered me love unspeakable and I didn’t know how to take it. I cried everyday for a month this year whenever I thought of how much of a mess I really was. I have soul-ties to a man that I don’t want anything to do with….but I created that problem for myself. I LET SOMEONE WALK AWAY WITH ALL MY STUFF! I let him walk away with my joy, my happiness, my smile, my passion…I let him have my heart and what he gave me back wasn’t even half of that. No I am not bitter, I’m simply wounded. No more band-aids and no more tears. No more letting the devil play keeps with what’s mine. No more letting men walk away with what’s mine. It’s one thing to know your worth, but it’s another to make sure everyone else knows as well…that’s where I messed up. This year I lived in hell. I made my bed and woke up and slept there every day for the last year. This was my year of me. I discovered how put together I really wasn’t. A house of cards probably had more stability than I did. My world was filled with clouds and stormy skies despite the forecast of sunny days. That’s because my perception of the life I created for myself became my reality. This was one of the most unhappy years of my life. I’ve been broken before, but this year God destroyed me. That only means one thing…better is on it’s way. No I’m not bitter, I’m just wounded.

In March, March 12th to be exact, I embarked on a 100-day spiritual journey in search of some personal gains. I needed clarity on many aspects of my life, I needed guidance on which steps to take next, I needed renovation to take place in my heart and my mind and I needed to relocate ME. I spent 100-days mostly in solitude, spiritual devotion, a pescatarian diet, working out every day and paying attention to unfavorable habits in hopes of losing them. I spent 100-days trying to find and redefine me with intentions of becoming better. Better mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I spent innumerable hours talking to God, beating myself up over my mistakes and short-comings, trying to get answers to things I’ll never understand and longing for some sense of comfort and peace of mind. I spent 100-days trying to do things differently than I had done them before, reflecting on various relationships and deciphering which I needed and which I didn’t. 100-days on looking for who I really was, and what indeed was my purpose. After having removing everything I deemed a distraction in my life, I seen ME clearer. I ended relationships and started building new ones, I broke old habits and formed more beneficial ones, I stopped complaining about why things were the way they are and realized that I had a part in making them that way. I went into this journey a confused, misdirected, humiliated, emotional mess and came out quite the contrary. I didn’t receive answers to every question I had, but I realized that everything isn’t meant for me to understand. I stopped letting minuscule things have such a significant impact on my life. I prayed through my struggles, I smiled through my pain and I triumphed through my circumstances. Many people battle domestic violence, abuse, neglect, abandonment, rape, bullying and various psychological disorders, but my biggest battle has always been myself. I’ve spent so much time living vicariously through the lives of others and focused on issues that weren’t imperative to my life that I lost myself in the process. There were many tears, but also many laughs. Many long days, but also many joyful days. Many bad-times, but also many good-times. For 2 years I’ve been trying to deal with the pain of losing my grandfather. My grandfather was the epitome of a strong, intelligent, well-rounded, confident, God-fearing man. He held my heart in ways no man ever will and when he died he took a piece of that with him. I spent so much time angry at him because he missed my senior and junior prom, he missed my graduation, he missed my acceptance to Spelman…he missed the most treasurable moments of my life. For three months, I felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest that was never going to heal. During my fast I forgave him, I talked to him, and tears fall as I just begin to let the healing start. I’ve been in denial for 2 years that he’s actually gone, and I can’t live that lie anymore. I love him and I miss him, but though he’s gone in body he left me something greater…MEMORIES! My past is something I’ve never moved on from, it wasn’t until recently that I started making strives to do so. It was as if my life and time were moving on two different intervals. During my 100-day fast I learned how to love again. I learned how to open my heart and genuinely love someone again. God placed someone in my life and in my heart who loves me for me, and is my friend first and lover second. He placed someone in my life who gives me joy. Someone I can walk with, talk with, pray with, vent to. Someone who can encourage and uplift me when I need it. Someone who loves me for all that I am and all that I have the potential to be. Someone who knows I’m not perfect and doesn’t try to polish my imperfections. Someone who is exactly what I needed. During my fast I made the greatest discovery of all. God gave me gifts. Gifts in which some I’m not at liberty to share yet, but that are going to sew into my life tremendously. God showed me how much talent I possess, how much character I have yet to unveil and how much power I have yet to use. This 100-day journey changed my life in ways I never imagined. There’s still work to be done and more self-exploration to take place, but I’m a work in progress!

Signed,

A Woman of Distinction

Lately I’ve been more motivated than anything and more than any other time period in my life. While having a conversation with my loved one he said,”I haven’t even begun to tap into my potential”. And it made me ponder on the fact that quite frankly I haven’t either. That moment was when I became hungrier and more determined than any other moment in my life to DO BETTER! Others may look at me and subconsciously say to themselves “damn, Shamira is doing the damn thing”, but if they think I’m doing something now…they have another thing coming. I’ve had people in all facets tell me that my “plan” won’t work. Well, God put it in my heart to tell you “watch me show you otherwise”. It’s quite amazing how much I’m going to achieve within these next few months, but my life is going to be enriched in ways never imagined. I’m excited!!!!

(Source: misterspecific)

These past few weekends I must admit that I’ve bumped heads with my past more times than I would have liked. Re-visiting places I swear I would never return to, and longing to re-open wounds that never healed. Places where my heart and my mind yet again were at war with something that was no longer present. Seeing people I swore I waved my last goodbye to months ago, sharing laughs with the same people who were once responsible for the pain my heart once housed. Having conversations about situations I still needed answers to although I declared I had moved on. These past few weekends have provided much more clarity and confusion than I could have ever imagined. Clarity about all the wrong things, and confusion about much of the same. I’m responsible for hearts that I haven’t even broken yet. The attachment many people have to me is unconditional, while on my end I’m attached to comfort, not people. Very rarely do I ever emotionally attach myself to an individual. A man who I gave my everything to I swore I said my “last” goodbyes to on June 20th, 2012. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t want him out of my life but I also don’t want him in it. I just like knowing that he’s ok and that he’s happy. Even though he still holds a large part of my heart, I just find solace in knowing that he’s ok. Nothing more, nothing less. There is someone new in my life who gives me everything that I’ve never had, and nothing that I use to. That is exactly what I needed…something different. I’ve crossed the same road too many times just from a different location, but yet always managed to end up in the same place. I must admit there are alot of males in my life that I genuinely love and care for, simply because they’ve all been there for me at times when I needed them most. Somewhere along the line they fell in love with what I needed, largely unaware of what I wanted. They were searching for my heart, while I was searching for a temporary fix. Now I find myself feeling obligated to stay in someone’s life who their position is painted with a question mark. Ready to let go but unable to accept that I might inflict the pain on someone that someone once did to me. Ready to let go but unable to accept that I might need that temporary fix again. Ready to let go but unable to accept the fact that one day I too might be lonely again. There was once a time when I enjoyed my own company, but the feeling of being loved by someone changed that. I no longer want to spend so much time in solitude revisiting feelings that I can no longer feel, and pain I can no longer identify with. Chasing tears that don’t lead to smiles and trying to change fears that are fearless. I want to give my man all of me, with no regrets and no sweet memories of my past making surprise visits in my head. I want my head and my heart to sync. I have moved on, I just want to accept that.

The most memorable, special, significant, life long, joyous moments of my life involved you. For as long as I can remember no matter how mad you made me, how deeply you hurt me or how uneasy I felt….I could never feel anything but love for you. I loved you through my pain, I cared for you past my anger and I stuck with you despite how uneasy I felt. Your hand always had a place to call home in mine. Now I just wish I could hate you. Why? Because it would make me not giving a fuck about you so much easier! One day I’ll have a story to tell…one day. I would never want to truly hate you but I don’t wanna care about you one bit.

Since last night I’ve had an outpouring of praise! I just can’t thank God enough for all that he’s done for me. I have to thank my ex Carolos for helping me to establish a real relationship with God. God has just been showing out over and over and over and over and over again! Times when I feel like I can’t press on I turn on my favorite gospel song and stretch my hands to the sky and say, “Father God hear my cry”. I don’t ever expect anyone to understand my praise but God has brought me out of more things than I’ve been through. He’s made ways out of no way for me, and he continues to pour blessings into my life. I am just so humbled, and I know that God has put me through so much so that I can be a vessel for others. God said with faith as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains…. I trusted in him and he’s brought me a mighty long way. Oh how sweet is the love of Jesus. So unwavering and so merciful. Thank God for favor!

Lately I’ve been more isolated and appreciating solitude more than usual. I’ve been looking into my past and searching for answers and highlighting areas of growth. I’ve been trying to resolve as much gray area in my life as possible! I’ve been trying to tie up all lose ends of my past and figure out what I really want out of my life. When I look back on my love life all I see is the same old story…different guy. I can honestly say I’ve never been truly happy in a relationship. Whether I was too busy dealing with other females they let come between us or whether I was too busy carrying the relationship by myself to notice I was undeniably in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me. Then I go off to college meet a guy, begin to open up to him, commit to a relationship and get fucked over. I’ll never know why, but that was the last time I dance in that circle. I have never cut a guy completely off, but he was the first and I feel good about it. I got tired enough of going through the same thing over and over so I decided to change it. I’m just at a whole different place in my life right now. I’ve never felt so complete with just myself. I’ve never loved myself so much. I might shed some tears every now and then, but instead of tears of pain they’ll be tears of triumph! A year ago if you asked me who I was going to be with for the rest of my life I swore up and down I knew! Today if you ask me I’ll simply say I’m not sure. Why? Simply because what I want has changed. After going through such a transformation these past seven months I don’t want and value the same things I did before. There are qualities in everyone from my past that I admire and love; however, as a whole….it’s not enough. I spent at least a year of my life being bitter. Mad at the world because of situations I chose to put myself through, and angry because I didn’t understand what I did to deserve any of it. Now that I look back I can’t help but to giggle at my past. The humility I’ve experienced has made me such a humble person. I’m thankful that everything happened when it did and how it did. It was a right then lesson, and right then it hit me where it was supposed to…my heart!!! Today I’m still tryin to figure out my career path but God is slowly speaking a decision into an existence. I’m currently on day 5 of my 100 day fast. There are some things in my life is desire to see happen and some opportunities and dreams I aspire to see prosper, so I’m walking out on faith to see them happen. I just feel so fulfilled. My bad days are good days and my good days are even better days. I can’t wait to see the full transformation God is currently bringing me through!!!!

Just five months ago I met a guy who I honestly thought was the most amazing guy on Earth. I was the happiest that I’d ever been in years and I had never been in a relationship where I felt more beautiful, more loved, more cared for, more respected, more appreciated and overall more taken care of then I did with him. However somewhere along the lines it became apparent that our needs were different. Going from broken relationship to broken relationship his ability to stay in a relationship definitely suffers. Just recently I caught him on campus with another female. After having ignoring me for a week I had to find out where we stood by seeing him with someone else. At first I debated punching the shit outta him, having someone beat his ass or even approaching him while with his new fling,but after giving it some thought I figured that all he really needed was some prayer. I reached out to him and firmly expressed that I wish he had been more of a man and been more real with me and I expressed that I couldn’t be mad at him because our needs are different. I ended it by telling him that I hope some serious growth takes place in him…..and I mean that. I always knew that God had placed him in my life for a reason but today the reason became apparent to me. He was in my life to give me an idea of what I deserve and to prove to me that I have the ability to love and be happy again. Although he did me wrong it was more of a blessing than a curse. I still feel beautiful, loved, cared for, secure and so forth. I’m no longer afraid to let someone do that for me. So I thank him for opening up my heart to that. I honestly wish him well and pray that God does some restoration in his life.

Just alittle under 4 months ago I was walking away from a guy who was the love of my life. After over 2 years of a relationship although my heart was still in it I knew it was a point in my life where I had to be selfish. After letting so much resentment, anger, hatred, insecurity, anguish and despair rest in my spirit a good relationship turned toxic. The love wasn’t the same and I was undeniably holding on to something that was already gone. I then closed that chapter in my life and moved to ATL to start my life over solely for ME! Within just two weeks of being here I met the most amazing guy on Earth. At the time I didn’t see us being anything more than friends, but apparently my heart had other plans. Now I’m in a relationship with a guy I’ve only known for 4 months and I feel like he’s been in my life forever. I must admit, I’ve had some good experiences in all of my relationships, but I’ve never been as happy as I am now. I’ve never felt more beautiful, more loved, more secure, more valued, more appreciated and more happy than I do now. It’s amazing the way God brings you out of situations you never thought you could make it out of. Just a few months ago I was emotionally attached to someone who could give two fucks about me, and now I’m in a relationship with a guy who puts me first. From the small things he does to the kisses, to the late night conversations, to the late night walks…I finally feel like I’m with someone who deserves me. I don’t have to compromise my values anymore. I don’t have to look a certain way. I don’t have to shape my life around someone else. I can finally live my life and share it with someone who wants nothing more than for me to do the same. It’s an amazing feeling!

I had a conversation with my mother the other night, and one thing that she said that really stuck to me was,” Never hang on no man’s coat tail, have your own”. In essence, she was saying you should never build yourself around a man. So many females often make the mistake of doing that, and then the man they “love” will undeniably leave them for someone who can more fervently stand on their own two feet. I honestly believe that too many woman need validation from other people in order to define themselves as a person. You should NEVER need validation from anyone else, none-the-less a man! No man wants a woman who isn’t strong in herself. He can only build you so much, but if you don’t have the proper foundation at the end of the day it honestly won’t matter. As women we tend to do alot of things just to pacify men, but there comes a time when you need to give yourself a voice! Don’t be afraid to state your wants and needs because you’re afraid that his differ….yours matter too!

I honestly thought about how I decided to attend a college that’s 18 hrs away from home, and how I left the “love of my life” back home. There’s just something about me as a person that believes that what’s meant to be will find its way, and that distance is just a measurement. I have dreams, goals, ambitions and a vision that no one can get in the way of. He’d always emphasize how he didn’t want me to come here, however; that didn’t matter much, I knew what I wanted and I went for it. Sometimes you just have to do things solely for you and be SELFISH!