Intricate I Am...

The most memorable, special, significant, life long, joyous moments of my life involved you. For as long as I can remember no matter how mad you made me, how deeply you hurt me or how uneasy I felt….I could never feel anything but love for you. I loved you through my pain, I cared for you past my anger and I stuck with you despite how uneasy I felt. Your hand always had a place to call home in mine. Now I just wish I could hate you. Why? Because it would make me not giving a fuck about you so much easier! One day I’ll have a story to tell…one day. I would never want to truly hate you but I don’t wanna care about you one bit.

Since last night I’ve had an outpouring of praise! I just can’t thank God enough for all that he’s done for me. I have to thank my ex Carolos for helping me to establish a real relationship with God. God has just been showing out over and over and over and over and over again! Times when I feel like I can’t press on I turn on my favorite gospel song and stretch my hands to the sky and say, “Father God hear my cry”. I don’t ever expect anyone to understand my praise but God has brought me out of more things than I’ve been through. He’s made ways out of no way for me, and he continues to pour blessings into my life. I am just so humbled, and I know that God has put me through so much so that I can be a vessel for others. God said with faith as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains…. I trusted in him and he’s brought me a mighty long way. Oh how sweet is the love of Jesus. So unwavering and so merciful. Thank God for favor!

Lately I’ve been more isolated and appreciating solitude more than usual. I’ve been looking into my past and searching for answers and highlighting areas of growth. I’ve been trying to resolve as much gray area in my life as possible! I’ve been trying to tie up all lose ends of my past and figure out what I really want out of my life. When I look back on my love life all I see is the same old story…different guy. I can honestly say I’ve never been truly happy in a relationship. Whether I was too busy dealing with other females they let come between us or whether I was too busy carrying the relationship by myself to notice I was undeniably in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me. Then I go off to college meet a guy, begin to open up to him, commit to a relationship and get fucked over. I’ll never know why, but that was the last time I dance in that circle. I have never cut a guy completely off, but he was the first and I feel good about it. I got tired enough of going through the same thing over and over so I decided to change it. I’m just at a whole different place in my life right now. I’ve never felt so complete with just myself. I’ve never loved myself so much. I might shed some tears every now and then, but instead of tears of pain they’ll be tears of triumph! A year ago if you asked me who I was going to be with for the rest of my life I swore up and down I knew! Today if you ask me I’ll simply say I’m not sure. Why? Simply because what I want has changed. After going through such a transformation these past seven months I don’t want and value the same things I did before. There are qualities in everyone from my past that I admire and love; however, as a whole….it’s not enough. I spent at least a year of my life being bitter. Mad at the world because of situations I chose to put myself through, and angry because I didn’t understand what I did to deserve any of it. Now that I look back I can’t help but to giggle at my past. The humility I’ve experienced has made me such a humble person. I’m thankful that everything happened when it did and how it did. It was a right then lesson, and right then it hit me where it was supposed to…my heart!!! Today I’m still tryin to figure out my career path but God is slowly speaking a decision into an existence. I’m currently on day 5 of my 100 day fast. There are some things in my life is desire to see happen and some opportunities and dreams I aspire to see prosper, so I’m walking out on faith to see them happen. I just feel so fulfilled. My bad days are good days and my good days are even better days. I can’t wait to see the full transformation God is currently bringing me through!!!!

Just five months ago I met a guy who I honestly thought was the most amazing guy on Earth. I was the happiest that I’d ever been in years and I had never been in a relationship where I felt more beautiful, more loved, more cared for, more respected, more appreciated and overall more taken care of then I did with him. However somewhere along the lines it became apparent that our needs were different. Going from broken relationship to broken relationship his ability to stay in a relationship definitely suffers. Just recently I caught him on campus with another female. After having ignoring me for a week I had to find out where we stood by seeing him with someone else. At first I debated punching the shit outta him, having someone beat his ass or even approaching him while with his new fling,but after giving it some thought I figured that all he really needed was some prayer. I reached out to him and firmly expressed that I wish he had been more of a man and been more real with me and I expressed that I couldn’t be mad at him because our needs are different. I ended it by telling him that I hope some serious growth takes place in him…..and I mean that. I always knew that God had placed him in my life for a reason but today the reason became apparent to me. He was in my life to give me an idea of what I deserve and to prove to me that I have the ability to love and be happy again. Although he did me wrong it was more of a blessing than a curse. I still feel beautiful, loved, cared for, secure and so forth. I’m no longer afraid to let someone do that for me. So I thank him for opening up my heart to that. I honestly wish him well and pray that God does some restoration in his life.

Just alittle under 4 months ago I was walking away from a guy who was the love of my life. After over 2 years of a relationship although my heart was still in it I knew it was a point in my life where I had to be selfish. After letting so much resentment, anger, hatred, insecurity, anguish and despair rest in my spirit a good relationship turned toxic. The love wasn’t the same and I was undeniably holding on to something that was already gone. I then closed that chapter in my life and moved to ATL to start my life over solely for ME! Within just two weeks of being here I met the most amazing guy on Earth. At the time I didn’t see us being anything more than friends, but apparently my heart had other plans. Now I’m in a relationship with a guy I’ve only known for 4 months and I feel like he’s been in my life forever. I must admit, I’ve had some good experiences in all of my relationships, but I’ve never been as happy as I am now. I’ve never felt more beautiful, more loved, more secure, more valued, more appreciated and more happy than I do now. It’s amazing the way God brings you out of situations you never thought you could make it out of. Just a few months ago I was emotionally attached to someone who could give two fucks about me, and now I’m in a relationship with a guy who puts me first. From the small things he does to the kisses, to the late night conversations, to the late night walks…I finally feel like I’m with someone who deserves me. I don’t have to compromise my values anymore. I don’t have to look a certain way. I don’t have to shape my life around someone else. I can finally live my life and share it with someone who wants nothing more than for me to do the same. It’s an amazing feeling!

I had a conversation with my mother the other night, and one thing that she said that really stuck to me was,” Never hang on no man’s coat tail, have your own”. In essence, she was saying you should never build yourself around a man. So many females often make the mistake of doing that, and then the man they “love” will undeniably leave them for someone who can more fervently stand on their own two feet. I honestly believe that too many woman need validation from other people in order to define themselves as a person. You should NEVER need validation from anyone else, none-the-less a man! No man wants a woman who isn’t strong in herself. He can only build you so much, but if you don’t have the proper foundation at the end of the day it honestly won’t matter. As women we tend to do alot of things just to pacify men, but there comes a time when you need to give yourself a voice! Don’t be afraid to state your wants and needs because you’re afraid that his differ….yours matter too!

I honestly thought about how I decided to attend a college that’s 18 hrs away from home, and how I left the “love of my life” back home. There’s just something about me as a person that believes that what’s meant to be will find its way, and that distance is just a measurement. I have dreams, goals, ambitions and a vision that no one can get in the way of. He’d always emphasize how he didn’t want me to come here, however; that didn’t matter much, I knew what I wanted and I went for it. Sometimes you just have to do things solely for you and be SELFISH!

Today in my literary class we were given an assignment to choose an important document in our life and write about how its helped us to matriculate to be all that we are. After pondering on the assignment I chose to use a picture from my grandfather’s funeral and talk about how that event in my life definitely changed me into the woman that I am. Just a few moments ago I was looking through the photos and slowly tears began to grace my face. There was something different about these tears though. Although my heart still aches at the fact that my grandpa is no longer with me, there’s some joy that comes to me just grateful that I was fortunate to know him. There are days when I still scroll to his number in my contacts and just wish to hear his voice one more time, but then I remember that I can’t. For so long I battled with how I was going to deal with it. Then I talked to God and he told me that things would get better, he told me that he has going to bring me through some low times only because I didn’t appreciate my “highs” as much as I should’ve. Through this period I wore a mask. Times when I wanted to cry, I pretended not to care. Times when all I wanted was a hug, I pretended to be emotionless. Times when I was scared that I couldn’t deal with this alone, I pretended to be fearless. I didn’t like to talk about it, and I didn’t want anyone to know what was on my mind. I felt like I had no one, absolutely NO ONE! I stopped going to school everyday, I started slacking when I did decide to go, and I didn’t really care about much anymore. I was angry. A part of me was mad at my grandfather for passing away. I was upset because he told me he wanted to see me graduate, and go off to prom and go off to college. He wasn’t there….he wasn’t there! For so long I grew resentment towards him because he wasn’t there. At his funeral I sung to him, and something that day was liberated in me. I gave my anger a voice, I closed my eyes and let my heart speak for me! Since then just everything that happens in my life is a blessing, both good and bad. God has SHOWN OUT in my life. I’m just blessed. I’ve experience so much growth, its crazy! I LOVE THE WOMAN I’M GROWING TO BE

I clearly remembering walking into the church, seeing his casket right in front of the pulpit and tears immediately welling my eyes. I felt like my heart had just been pulled out of my chest, my grandpa, the guy I called on for EVERYTHING was gone. I never got a chance to say goodbye, never got a chance to tell him I love him one last time, and I never got a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. I remember the last time I seen him, he was in a coma and I tried so hard not to let the tears surface, I wanted to be strong, I believed that God would turn it around as he had so many times before. Little did I know that, that would be my last time seeing him …..

A year ago today I lost one of the most influential men in my life. My grandfather was definitely my world. When mommy and daddy wouldn’t let me have my way, I’d always call grandpa to work it all out. He invested values and morals in me that have helped mold me into the young woman that I am today. I miss him like hell. Tears fall just at the thought of it. Tears of pain and tears of joy. I just wish he was alive to share in some of the most important events of my life with me, but I’m happy because MY GOD IS REAL! Alot of people don’t understand the source of my praise but God has DEFINITELY shown out in my life.

I remember I use to constantly inform my ex about how he wasn’t the same person I fell in love with. I’d remind him of the “person he use to be” and of the things he use to do, and how special I use to be to him. Recently, I’ve come to change my whole perception on the whole ordeal. Yes he has changed, but I don’t know what he was exposed to, who he was exposed to and how different experiences affected him as a person. With that being said who am I to bash him for the changes that he’s made? It was just a very difficult situation for me to swallow. Having been with him for so long, seeing him come back a changed person definitely didn’t sit too well with me. Back then I would’ve thought that I was upset that he changed because it was going to cause us to grow apart, but now looking at it I was upset because I genuinely care about him. He made some good/bad changes but its all a part of hims growing up and becoming a man. I decided a long time ago that I was going to give him the space to do that, so no matter how hard it may be I try not to interfere with his choices and decisions! I use to think he “needed” me in a sense, but he did just fine without me! I always say that I FORGIVE him, but I have more reasons to be FORGIVING myself. I’m thankful that so much growth is taking place in me! :-)

Dear whoever you’ve become,

I’ve pondered back and forth as to whether or not I was going to do this….furthermore, whether or not you were worth it, but I think I’m doing this more for me than I am for you. I’m leaving for school in the morning and you’re the only person I didnt make plans to see before I left, I figured that I’d rather not waste your time. But I just wanted to thank you for EVERYTHING! For so long I wanted you to feel the pain I felt and the hurt that I did….I wanted you to lose as I felt I had…but I’ve learned that I can’t be happy by making others miserable. I’ve learned that love is never enough to keep you where you aren’t wanted….and most importantly through a relationship with you I’ve built a real one with God. All the times you were the source of my tears, the nonsense make-ups and break-ups, the way I felt you failed to support me when I needed you the most, the many times you’d neglect me for days on out and I’d still be there praying and encouraging you, the times you betrayed me, lied to me, and abused my trust, the times you never valued my feelings but always seemed to make things about you, the time you told me you were choosing between me and someone else, the broken promises….the list goes on. The fact that you aren’t the person I thought you were hurt me the most….simply because it made me feel as if I had lost you twice. I’m no longer going to hold on to any of that. I’ve been bitter way too long and God knows how many good guys I’ve let pass me by with false hopes that one day you’d be the guy I fell in love with 2 years ago….I forgive you for EVERYTHING! Because of you I’m going to my number one school, I finished my senior year with all A’s, I pulled 4 jobs, and I can finally look at myself in the mirror and not feel broken. You were my motivation behind all of that. The life I felt you stole from me I took back. I often think of the guy who’d call me when I wasnt feeling well, the guy who valued my happiness more than anything else, who’d cry to me, pray with me, the guy who loved me more than anyone else ever had….then I quickly remember that guy doesn’t exist anymore. I guess I can put some blame on myself too simply because I love too hard but one day that won’t be a regret of mine anymore. For so long I’ve regretted giving you so much of me to just have you throw it all back in my face….I regretted it all. But I’m letting it go. I’m letting it go….I’m letting it go. I’ll never throw salt or in any way slander your character because I’m better than that and so are you. For so long I’ve struggled with trying to forgive you but I made the decision to be BETTER not BITTER. I knew that if I were to stay here for school it would have been for you, and if I went away It would’ve been for me. I think I’ve made too many decisions based around you, it was time I do something for me! I’m chasing my dreams right now and I have the best support system in the world, but honestly I wouldn’t be here without you. You have turned me into a strong woman with a vengeance…I’ll never let anyone else do me wrong again. I spent so much time reflecting and trying to find answers to why things got the way that they are now, but I’ll take initiative and be the one to say, “Who cares”. I can’t continue to hold on to someone that’s already gone, and a love that’s already lost. I truly do wish you the best in all that you do. I FORGIVE YOU! I hope that one day you use the gifts God has sewed into you and manifest into the man that God intended for you to be :-) I’ll be sure to send you a postcard and fill you in on all my current successes! I’m making it without you. You aimed to destroy me and look at what you’ve created…..A woman of distinction! THANK YOU!

Goodbye,

Shamira

I honestly feel like I’m dragging you where you don’t want to be. I feel like you don’t want to be in my life anymore, but I constantly find ways to include you. I feel like you don’t want anything to do with me anymore and the only reason you agree to still be associated with me is out of pity. I could be wrong but that’s just how I feel. You have no idea how much you attending my graduation and being there for me meant to me. Honestly if there were any reason as to why I would have cried during graduation it would have been because you weren’t there. I hear all the time that you tell people that it’s my fault we’re not together and honestly I’m sorry that you feel that way. I’m sorry that you honestly think I destructed our relationship and that I’m to blame for everything falling apart. I’m sorry. I just wish that one day you stop being so anxious to point the finger at me and for once take a step back and be responsible for your mistakes. I know that I’ve made mistakes….I will rightfully own up to them. But for so long I felt like I carried us by myself. I was the force in the relationship, I called all the shots, I was responsible for keeping us together. Honestly, it’s broken me. I have a guard up like no other these days and I’m just all-in-all unhappy. I feel like I’ve given all my love away to someone who didn’t deserve it or me. I know you’ll never appreciate me for me…you’re too busy pointing out all my flaws and everything you’d like to pin me for doing wrong. You say I’m a brat….all I’ve ever asked of you was to just love me and treat me right. When you have two left feet in a relationship someone has got to lead….you didn’t step up so I had to. I’m sorry things have gotten this ugly between us, but I can honestly say I’ve tried my best. I know that if I was to stay here for college it would be because of you and if I were to leave it would be for me. I chose to leave because apparently I’ve done enough and made enough sacrifices for you….it’s time I do something for me. I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry. Sooner or later my life is going to change dramatically. I’ll be down south living it up, and you’ll be up here doing the same. I might regret not saying goodbye to you before I leave but that’s a bed you laid for yourself.

Best wishes :-)

Ok so I can’t believe you had the audacity to ask me if I did everything I did for you just to be able to bring it up now. Are you fuckn’ kidding me? Everything I did for you I did because I loved you. I did because I wanted to do it and most importantly I did it genuinely from the bottom of my heart. I don’t expect shit from you honestly. I have no expectations for you. NONE! But my point is I was “the love of your life” or so you said. At one point you DID love me. At one point I WAS a big part of your life. I’ve done nothing but love you. Through EVERYTHING all I’ve shown you was love. So for me to ask you for something so simple and you say no sort of tickles me alittle bit. Honestly its not even you saying no that bothers me, its the fuckn’ principle of the matter. You couldn’t be real with me. You’re selfish. You’re REALLY selfish! And you don’t have to agree with me but I never knew that one person could hurt me so much. You think this is just about prom. Uhmmm no! I mean it is what it is…fuck that….its everything. When I came to talk to you last night you simply acted like a BITCH. You’re quick to point the finger at me but do you ever really think about what you do? Maybe you need to re-evaluate what you define as love because clearly your definition is fucked up. And I’m sure you don’t love me anymore…FINE!…however, don’t play me like I’m any of your other bitches. PERIOD!